self-esteem problems.

Hi, it’s been about 3 weeks.

I wish I can change myself, in a positive way. I feel terrible because I’ve always had this barrier where I can’t express myself. I feel that I have to succumb to everyone’s demands. I feel restricted with people, damn people. It’s easy for anyone in the world to say that you can just be yourself, and that I do not have to agree to what everyone says; that’s common sense we know that. But when you find yourself in a situation like this, those words are useless. Self-esteem problems, the worst of all. And that, sometimes, when you scan across the people around you, they appear completely normal when they’re not. Like some of us have fetish, obsessions, personality problems, depression, schizophrenia, etc.

I feel so sad about it, it’s like I can’t do anything to change me. At times I just burst into tears for a minute or two and then eventually, I regained my consciousness and got over it. I don’t get why I do that but I can’t help it. I feel sad for my life, for myself, as a person. I find it difficult to reject people, maybe I shouldn’t care at all, but unconsciously I do. The voice in my head just keeps on telling me I shouldn’t impose negative feelings into others with the things I do. And then I felt my whole day gets fucked up because of this.But then I know I shouldn’t care at all because… it just shouldn’t bother me at all.

I don’t know when will I ever change this. I need to feel happy. I’m lacking of so much confidence that it’s killing me. I wish I had a voice which is able to express myself well to others, to people, not to myself. I need to not give a shit when I swung my hand across the face of this lady when I was about to alight and I almost tripped. So what if I appeared like a bitch to her and I have to see her in the same bus almost every day. I need to reason with my boss when she wanted to sign my pay sheet on the working day of the next month when yesterday was my one and last chance to get her to sign it. I need to be true to myself and stop hiding what’s inside of my head. It’s my damn blog and I need to be able to express all these in it. I cared too much about how people see me.

Recent LDR photoshoot

So yesterday, I watched ‘Lolita’, the 1997 movie, again. It was so good that the plot is unforgettable. Actually, what prompted me to watch the movie again is because of Lana Del Rey’s recent vogue photo shoot. She’s described as “Lolita lost in the hood”.

   

   

      

Such a flawless photoshoot.

And, then, there is the GQ Magazine photoshoot.

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

“Paul, the creative director, was very hands-on with the shoot… In fact, if you see in the magazine – in the middle of the spread – you’ll see a hand hoisting up one of my boobs… That’s Paul’s hand. Couldn’t have done it without him.” -Lana Del Rey

Oh Lana, so beautiful temptress!

And Lana changed her hair color, when she made an appearance at the GQ awards last week. Snow White?

   

   

o lord, she’s so adorable!

First day of work & an embarrassing moment

It’s the first weekend of my term break.

Yesterday was my first day of work, at Tyco. I was really happy when I got past the interview on last Thursday, even though she didn’t really ask me about my achievements, what I studied, etc. The lady who interviewed me was really nice, like a friend… and a mentor at the same time. She didn’t appear to be domineering, fierce and it was really, really, really  nice when she said she hope that I will be able to learn something out of this. But I’m still afraid, because I haven’t done this before.

Then on the first day, which was yesterday, I worked, for 9 hours, with her and the other colleagues, who appears to be really friendly as well. Then all the paperwork procedures remind me of my TEP days, at ‘Cheers’, going through the awful morning finance work for the entire shift and filing the documents. I don’t mean the work I’m currently doing is awful, well, at least I feel alittle experienced in filing… yeah… just filing… Then there were some printing and scanning to do, and some excel work to do. But at the pace it’s coming from, it’s stressful, especially with the documents that are very much foreign to me; the different types of invoices are driving me cray. 

But I think overall, it’s great; I feel grateful towards my ‘mentor’ for explaining my duties to me and why I’m supposed to do it. And it’s nice to have friendly people, in the office… Maybe just on the first day, I don’t know but I hope it’ll last for sometime.

…

…

…

Talking about embarrassing and awkward moments… have you ever experienced a situation where you’re venting out your frustrations in your mind, and you ended up blurting some of them out and supposedly, some people happens to hear it? I did. It happened when I was frantically running towards an elevator (even though there was no reason for me to do because I wasn’t in a rush and I don’t know why I did that either, out of subconsciousness) and looking for the elevator button. My mind was like “Damnnn, can’t you hold the lift for me!” and why.did.I actually blurted it out. There were several people in the lift, who probably heard me saying that, and there was a lo0o0ong  awkward silence and embarrassing tension in the elevator because it wasn’t just Level 1, 2 or 3, higher up.

I just felt like blogging about it.

Rants about finding a holiday job

So hi. I’ve been hastily looking for jobs- I always say that but I’ve never been able to settle down with a single job over the holidays. I guess this time… I didn’t want to spend my holidays wastefully, doing nothing at home.

Actually wanted to try my luck out in Gong Cha but I guess luck wasn’t on my side this afternoon. Then I went back home to job-seek on Gumtree. And then I went for an interview at Ubi to work in a banquet. And I met 2 of my classmates over there, too much of a coincidence. Then I was like “Thank G-d, at least it isn’t so bad.”

So like anyone else, I thought it was rather appealing because it’s a daily-paid job. But the hassle turns out to be, you’ve to go back to get your pay, anytime. You won’t get paid on the spot, you travel stations to get paid. Ugh. And you’ve to pay before you work, like some sort of a work safety insurance. Nobody has paid yet, so… someday later maybe. Honestly, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to commit to this, maybe a week or two? Really, I’m not person who enjoys to jump ship, I don’t mean I’m indispensable though, it’s just that I don’t have ample time to think about the choices in an interview. I’m really slow, non-reactive to any sort of situations. I’ve to learn that, at least. I hope I’ll become more wiser in that after this term break.

I hope it turns out to be good though. Good, as in, I hope it does make me feel fulfilling as a person, useful, even tho it’s just serving dishes and drinks. I think the self-fulfillment comes in the “payday” part. I just want to get “Purr” and KP3D DVD soon.

Yeah, so that’s it. I hope my first day turns out good.

Holidays and #KP3D

Off with year 2 sem 1! It’s been about 4 months of attachment and it’s energy-draining and sian as always. Similarly, I’ll be expecting myself to say the same thing again for the next study semester.

And then… there’s #KP3D. I guess I just want to blog about the movie.

The first time I watched it in the cinema? I watched the sneak preview with Cass, on Monday, 20 August 2012 and she liked it, so do I.

My life’s made. It’s the day I’ve been waiting for and I was suffering to wait for more than a month for it.

It was so magical and ugh, how do I even describe that feeling. I’m not deluding myself, honestly. The first time I watched it, I literally felt like I could do anything. And I can just forget about how awkward and weird I am.

Then the second time I watched it with my lil sister, on Sunday, 26 August 2012. It was in 3D and I wished the first time I watched it was in 3D instead. Nothing beats the first time seeing her on the big screens.

The booty shake in ‘Peacock’, her best friends, grandma Ann, her parents and sister Angela, the fireworks outburst, & I felt ‘Firework’ and ‘California Gurls’ were the best performances, especially the Katy Kisses costume.

From the time you see her getting exhilarated for the first time she was performing for her tour TO THE TIME she was feeling so tired that every step was a struggle, it was inspiring to see how she picked herself up.

  

And the third time I watched with a friend, on Thursday, 30 August 2012. The movie gives me a different experience and feeling each time I watched it. It was an experience worthy of making her audience grin throughout the entire movie.

“…she made you feel like happy. There was just like a unique charisma, that you don’t see that much.”