self-esteem problems.

Hi, it’s been about 3 weeks.

I wish I can change myself, in a positive way. I feel terrible because I’ve always had this barrier where I can’t express myself. I feel that I have to succumb to everyone’s demands. I feel restricted with people, damn people. It’s easy for anyone in the world to say that you can just be yourself, and that I do not have to agree to what everyone says; that’s common sense we know that. But when you find yourself in a situation like this, those words are useless. Self-esteem problems, the worst of all. And that, sometimes, when you scan across the people around you, they appear completely normal when they’re not. Like some of us have fetish, obsessions, personality problems, depression, schizophrenia, etc.

I feel so sad about it, it’s like I can’t do anything to change me. At times I just burst into tears for a minute or two and then eventually, I regained my consciousness and got over it. I don’t get why I do that but I can’t help it. I feel sad for my life, for myself, as a person. I find it difficult to reject people, maybe I shouldn’t care at all, but unconsciously I do. The voice in my head just keeps on telling me I shouldn’t impose negative feelings into others with the things I do. And then I felt my whole day gets fucked up because of this.But then I know I shouldn’t care at all because… it just shouldn’t bother me at all.

I don’t know when will I ever change this. I need to feel happy. I’m lacking of so much confidence that it’s killing me. I wish I had a voice which is able to express myself well to others, to people, not to myself. I need to not give a shit when I swung my hand across the face of this lady when I was about to alight and I almost tripped. So what if I appeared like a bitch to her and I have to see her in the same bus almost every day. I need to reason with my boss when she wanted to sign my pay sheet on the working day of the next month when yesterday was my one and last chance to get her to sign it. I need to be true to myself and stop hiding what’s inside of my head. It’s my damn blog and I need to be able to express all these in it. I cared too much about how people see me.

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