Study week.

The time of the semester is here again. I supposed I’ve finished what I have intended to study, today. So I thought of blogging about it because I’m sick of flipping over the same content over and over again.

I spend most of the time this week – waking up at around 11:30AM in the morning, brushed up, gathering bread/biscuits on my study desk for breakfast and then start writing notes and flipping pages. The only times I could relax myself are during dinner time and shower times – which I’ve been taking showers more often than usual times; especially during past midnight. I’ve been eating alot. I’ve also been sleeping early these days to avoid studying. Guilt creeps up on me when I’m outside. It feels like a mental disorder. Like a phobia or something. I know what readers might say about this. It’s like a solitary confinement! But it’ll all be over very soon, it has to be over soon. It’s difficult to stay motivated under such circumstances.

I don’t know how I had cope with the past semesters, because this week feels horrible. The memory load is overwhelming. I know I’ve always preferred memory-based to application-based exams/tests. Memory is a thing that works for me, much more than common sense do. But I don’t mean that mine is in tip-top condition. Whenever I forget about something, the rest of the memory just slithers away and that’s the end. It’s been a lifeless week, yet now and then, alittle bit heart-racing.

Anyway, I just hope that the following exam week will pass really quickly.

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The last school day.

These days, I find it so difficult to pen my thoughts down onto my blog. It feels taxing having to write something now. Every time I want to attempt to post something, I’ll always end up saving it in my drafts or deleting it halfway through.

Today (13/12) I submitted the last report I’ll ever do in my polytechnic education. This week marks the end of the projects and presentations for this final year. Today, a friend of mine brought up a question that’s worthy of every thought; whether we regret studying in this course, in this polytechnic. I was just thinking about it a few days ago.

About half a year ago, I wrote this in one of my blog posts: “I thought I lost a big part of what I wanted and what I can do in the future when I got in here, but it’s not the case when by the end of it, you realize you gained more than what you lost at the first place when you thought you’ve made the wrong decision, but you haven’t.” If time could wind back and that I have a choice to study whatever I want to, I will still have it stay the same way as it is.

I remember leaving secondary school feeling so relieved. Relieved in a way that I’ll never, ever return back to this phase of my life ever again. I still remember feeling utterly worthless and fearful about so many things. Sometimes I still do now, but that phase was just… plain nasty. I dreaded going to school every day. The high school speech from the film, Imaginary Heroes, was always relevant for me during that phase. It was downright horrible. Some of us don’t get the best memories out of certain phases of our lives. Now I still do wonder if that horrible, horrible phase have shaped me for the better or worse, even though I doubt that it has made me a stronger person. Speaking up for myself is still a struggle. I’ve visioned many scenarios where I’ll be able to stand up for myself or another victim of bullying, but really I don’t know – fear devours it all up upon every actual encounter.

Studying a Business course in Nanyang Polytechnic was beyond what I’ve expected. I thought I’ll grow to dislike this school. I felt that I wasn’t cut out for Business at all. Numbers and ideas aren’t my thing. Presentations? Nope, I’ll never want to do it as a compulsory requirement in school. But whether it’s in terms of the modules I’ve taken, the internship/attachment experiences and the people I’ve met, all of those have taught me something.

I’ve talked about my friends here about a year ago. I couldn’t have asked for better or even more friends. The few of them is great. They are the ones I find it most comfortable to open myself up to. They’ve always been there since we started our first school day in freshman year, up to the last day of senior year. Our friendship is built over the time mostly spent on school work and studying. We’re not accustomed to hanging out the way most grown-up teenagers do – as “girlfriends” bonding time is spent on having sleepovers in each other houses, movie marathons, partying and clubbing, barbecues and chalets, shopping, selfies, patronizing classy-pricey cafes and coffeehouses, taking short getaways to Bangkok. Nevertheless, they’re really fun and nice people to be with. They make one another laugh all the time. They are the ones that make my polytechnic life.

Each one of us still looks very much the same, maybe just with different hairstyles. I still feel like a freshman. I didn’t think I’ve matured in the sense that I am not close to doing things, saying stuff or behaving the way young adults do. The (supposed) peak moments of one’s teenage life are probably over. I remind myself that I’m turning 20, but where do I begin?

About presentations. I wrote something about this in another blog post as well. I’m fearful about alot of things. Up till now I still do shiver and stutter whenever I have to present to people, some people – not even a crowd to begin with. But recently, I realized that if I learn to find logic and sense in the things I present, it doesn’t scare me so much anymore. Besides that, I’ve learnt stuff that has proved to be useful in some way or the other. The exams and tests are an overload of memory work, brain cells’ killer. But they’re still more useful than taking generic subjects of Arts, Science and Math.

Many of us experienced mixed feelings about graduation. I want to stay with this same bunch of people throughout my schooling phase. But I can’t wait for graduation though. It feels like one because; besides getting to put on the fine-looking cape (the term I’ve used to replace it with the graduation ‘robe’) and the cap, it’s like a pre-college but it’s pretty much the same feels you’ll get when you really graduate from college/university.