My thoughts at night. #killsme

So it’s been a week of my internship… and I was expecting things to get alittle tough and busy, but it resembles my previous full-time holiday job so much, not in a bad or even a good way. Was told I’d be expecting myself to get busier in the following week, which is today (12:25AM). At the same time, I was hoping it to be a good thing, really hoping for it, because I’ve always been one who gets frightened by challenges (and every other change in life) & then ending up messing up the whole thing. It’s really horrible. I hate to think like this, but I’ve got to admit it. I’ve been told I’m really clumsy, lost and blur (I admits that to people sometimes, which I know I shouldn’t have but I always end up unconsciously ‘warning’ people about it.) I find it so difficult to contain all that… intensity in handling changes in my life.

At the same time, I’ve always got this ‘heart sink’ feeling when I’m lagging behind. I don’t know, maybe you could say I’m filled with so much competitiveness that is making me feel so horrible inside. I can’t stand suspense and probably, a good way of interpreting it would be, I want to get to experience every other thing anyone’s doing. I guess I’m not one of those who’d sacrifice others to my own advantage, it’s just something that’s inside me; not sure whether people thinks I’m hiding it in real-life or not.

Most of the time, I just typed out short excerpts of my feelings throughout the day in a typical blog post like this, and eventually closing the window without publishing them online. They got saved in my drafts and then deleted not long after. It’s the same old thoughts and feelings I’ve been suppressing, but all of us finds a different way of releasing those emotions, whether to the people we meet every day, via a blog/vlog/recording, a letter/email to someone you consider close and that you could relate every single thing with him/her. Now I wish I could just retrieve those drafts back and then just publish whatever I typed out, over the days and weeks.

I try hard, trying to behave/act like and appear (look/dress) like the people around me whom I think they’re pretty awesome and I wanna be of that equal level of awesomeness as all of them. Sometimes when I think about what I do and what I’d think of myself if I were to be my own best friend (complicated, I know), I’d probably feel disgusted and tell my best friend, “You try too hard.” I guess some of us know the “just-be-yourself” advice does nothing to help at all. I don’t know even know whether my true self is my inner thoughts or the one I’ve always appeared to others for the past 19 years of my life.