Happy new year, everyone. I don’t know if 2014 has been the best year of my life yet but surely I know that every passing year when I look back, most of the time I’m glad that I am at this point of my life and not back to any point of the past I can think of (which they’re usually moments that make me cringe bad).
Probably about a couple of years ago when I was 13 or 16 around-there, I’d never think that I will get this far – I don’t mean I’ve gotten very far in life now but certainly, I had expect things to turn out differently at this point of my life. I haven’t been especially sad or excited, any more than the previous years. I’ve always stayed the same; from the time when my mom told me how I was like as a child when I was in kindergarten until now. Being that awkward, slightly boring, easily-succumbed and weird person who’s most scared of socializing with real people more than anything else in this world. I don’t mean to let my mom’s words dictate how I’ll be like as a person in life. I think I accept that. Sometimes, I do feel sorry about myself. Sorry and sad. At times, I do comfort myself that beyond this exterior, I need to know there lies a louder imagination and a mind that so far, only I know it. You need to convince yourself of some things to cope with your vulnerability to the harshness of life. Whether these things are true or not, they say “fake it till you make it“. It will be relevant at some point.
I want to say I’ve been feeling down alot of times but it has little relevance to how life has been treating me. Most of the time, the sadness comes from the situations you imagine in your head and what’s behind these situations that you’ll never clarify. Self-inflicted sadness does anger me when I witness it because – why would you want to complicate things when it is as simple as it seem? The sadness can’t go away on the following year. No doubt there’re times you feel very happy about life without any logical explanation. It turns out to be you being cranky.
The point is, your personality may stay with you forever but life doesn’t always remain in that phase of life that sucks and you hated it so badly that you just wanna exterminate everyone around you and be the only one living on this Planet. Then life decides to throw you a curveball but you have no clue that it’s intended to be a curveball because you expect that thing (whether it’s an event or the next phase of your life) to be a continuation of your embarrassing and disastrous series everybody’s gonna watch you fail badly at. Suddenly, you don’t want everyone dead anymore because the right company of people will come by eventually in unexpected ways and they’ll make you see the good in people. And you know that it’s just in some people. This, I’m being optimistic for now. Teenagehood comprises of so many phases that are seen to throw you plenty of curveballs until you become an adult then you don’t get that many anymore.
You know when there’re expectations to how a living person would lead different phases of his life, i.e. mid-twenties, early-thirties, mid-life. Right now, I still feel like I’m stuck at this phase (not the sucky phase of life) but somewhere you can’t proceed any further in life doing these things that any living person will do. I can see everyone around me maturing (like my peers, friends, neighbors, parents and younger sis) and doing these things but it dreads to imagine myself doing these. I don’t particularly enjoy this phase of my life but I don’t want to be thinking how better or worse it can get as I am older. Thinking about a 30-year-old me scares me. About the kind of person I’ll become and the things I’ll be doing when I’m 30. It’s like watching a horror movie. It’s nice to see how the characters cope with the scares but it’s the worst nightmare to see yourself in that scene or any parts of it. I’m gonna be 21 next year. Can you imagine the 12-year-old me thinking what I’ll be like when I’m 21?
On the train home today, I thought about my New Year resolutions. It is not going to be good grades and looking prettier each year anymore. I have the tendency of making to-do lists without checking out at least half of the list. Just for the fun of it, these are the list of things I want to do in 2015:
- I wanna play Bohemian Rhapsody on the harmonica if possible.
- I wanna read 10 books this year – 5 common fiction, 1 fantasy, 1 romance, 1 crime/mystery/horror, 2 common non-fiction.
- I wanna exercise once a month.
- I hope to go on another community service project in sophomore year.
- I wanna travel to 2 or 3 countries this year.
- Stop feeling bad/sorry about things you’ve considered doing and have done.
- I wanna take the initiative to ask people whether they need help without hesitating.
Bye, 2014! I had fun writing this.