The thing about parenting.

Any one of us might have swore to ourselves to never become the kind of the person we would despise. I always believe that we have a choice in everything we do and even up till now, I am still certain about that god damn same belief. Even though that is said, I still like to say that sometimes, we subconsciously do this and do that.

But now I’m thinking that maybe the subconscious mindset is what others perceive another to have. How can we be aware that we’re subconscious of what’s happening around us? In this case, I’m talking about being conscious of becoming that kind of person I mentioned.

How do I begin this…
Parenting itself puzzles me. I’ve had lots of questions about it for quite some time now. I started to think about that while I was reading Tuscan Holiday, written by Holly Chamberlin. When I think about how I’m treating my parents now, I keep getting that ringing thought inside my head that’s telling me that I’m going through the same pre-stages of becoming one of those ingrates in the drama or even real-life situations I’ve witnessed where these children (as grown-up adults) gave little or no regards to their parents’ well-being.

I don’t mean I have a sour relationship with my parents all along. Alot of times now, I see myself flaring up at them for the littlest things and I sound like I’m annoyed when I reply to what they say. They can hear that I’m annoyed. I can’t hear that at first but after awhile, I realized that I can hear that annoyed voice of mine when I talk to them as well. Sometimes, I only realized that when I see the look on their faces after being rude towards them or when they asked me what has come into me that I’ve become so irritated. I have tried to tell myself to adjust my tone of voice when I speak to them. I know it’s not a subconscious response because I didn’t used to sound so annoyed when I talk to them. I don’t know when it started but I know it’s still there.

It makes me want to cry when I think about how parents would feel about the way their children don’t want to speak to them (then ending up distancing from one another and breaking ties) or either respond to them in a harsh manner. What kind of a child would I become in the future? What would happen to them? How would my sis and I handle the switch of roles as the caregivers to them in 10 years’ time? Every parent has a different interpretation of having to be taken good care of in the future when their children are big enough and free to go. That’s probably something I need to ask them. Soon.

I’m holding a temporary job now before I start school and Mom does request me to give her part of the salary I draw. I’m OK with that but I know that I’m stingy about that. Dad still gives me my allowance and pays for most of the things that I buy. He doesn’t ask for me to give him part of my pay. He doesn’t want me to treat him any of the meals I’ve promised and I haven’t, yet. I still feel like that selfish child who expects them to provide for me and give me more than what I give them – when I have the ability to provide for myself now and give them alittle more while I can.

The least I could do is probably showing them a better attitude. It used to and still do scare me the most when I think about any of my parents dying and I thought that nothing in this world is worst than that happening. They are, family, are the ones that have always been there. Anywhere is home as long as they are there.

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