I spent my Sunday battling the flu bug inside of me and thinking about every reason that I can find to be grateful for being healthy because it feels horrible, really grumpy and drippy (or nose-dripping) to be ill.
On a typical weekend like this if I stayed at home, it’s easy to find things to do. But on this Sunday, I was given the impression that I was too tired to be doing anything, so I watched Stranger Than Fiction the film. It tells the life of an auditor, Harold Crick. His mundane and lonely life. He claims that everyone hates him for his job, but he doesn’t have a loathsome personality for the viewers, like myself, to hate him for. One day, he realized that his every action was being followed by this narrator’s voice, Karen Eiffel, a novelist who is famous for her fictional works with tragic endings. Little did she know that Harold isn’t fictional, that she’s documenting his life and she’s about to decide how he is going to die to wrap up the book for her publishers. It was a tough decision for her. Overall, it’s an awesome movie, everyone should go and watch it! The dialogues in the movie make great advice.
I love movies like Forrest Gump, The Truman Show and this one because they make me believe that ordinary, so-so (average) and non-fantastic people can do something big with their lives. And that it is possible to single anyone out of the mass of white-collar workers in the city to live their life as they’ve always wanted it, not the 9-to-5 routine work they seemingly “enjoy” to do. Maybe Forrest Gump is exceptional because he isn’t like anyone else. But I generally love such movies – these characters being thrown into eccentric, out-of-the-world and comedic circumstances where they’re forced to change themselves for the better. Alittle pressure is always helpful.
And I came across a worthy read online, titled Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed, although it was written late last year. The one regret that was significant in my opinion was: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I feel that this one pretty much sums up most of the other regrets stated in the article – to be happy, to maintain a good work-life balance and to express one’s feelings. Should I be wondering about whether I’ve lived enough to feel worried about having a regret like this before I die?
I know little, or barely anything much on how one should go about living a life true to themselves. At this moment, I think that being true to oneself would be to believe in oneself and one’s ability, even though I have little to begin with. Maybe to try to rejoice upon my littlest achievement. Maybe to try to feel (non-arrogantly) good about myself and not to feel anything less – not inferior, or to be belittled by what I observe of other people and unconstructive, petty criticisms.
It kills me inside to feel bad about myself all day long – about every awkward conversation I’ve had, about my clumsiness and accidents caused by my anxiety and the difficulty to think logically and speak sensibly at the same time around strangers. Sometimes, I think: “Being awkward is so high school and teenager! Grow out of it!”.* Then, it’s just a matter of time before my inside is reduced to nothingness if I keep feeling bad about myself. It takes energy to constantly remind yourself of that within a single day, it’s not effortless. Yet, to do that every day, there’s still no guarantee that you can overcome that kind of disbelief with yourself entirely.
Maybe one thing that isn’t so bad is that these patients (being talked about by the nurse in the article) realized that before they passed on. It’s close to leaving behind a legacy, to remind the living (again) not to have the same kind of regrets.
*On a side note:
It’s still difficult to come to terms with growing up. Being an adult isn’t just thinking that you’re (or becoming) an adult right? Adulthood isn’t all about matured thinking, ascertained principles and whatever that happens in your head which people can’t see it right? Most of adulthood constitutes of what adults do, right? Like actually falling in love, the serious kind; leaving behind that fast food craze phase and starting to eat healthy for your meals, really finding time to exercise; earning to feed yourself, no longer for those obsessions with music, celebrities and the Hollywood industry which make great companions in the least social kind of teenage life. Office politics? Probably similar to a high school drama behind closed doors?