In every change, the transition phase is the worst. The horrifying part of every hated change. One moment, it feels like waking up from a dream and then another, it feels like the first day of slipping into a dream.
Yesterday while I was doing my last paper (which I almost had no time to finish it), a funny feeling struck me – not in a literal way which tickled my senses, but it just felt different from the other times when I used to sit for my final exams, a couple of them, right in this same place. If I remember correctly, my exams for every semester usually end in this place. Most of them. Now and then, I tell others, “It’s the last one! Can you believe it?“. I was expecting them to react the same way as I do – overwhelming, stark, raving mad behavior, because all of us went through the same thing. But it will take a very long time for me to digest in all that.
It’s unreal to think that this marks a giant footstep to the near end of tertiary education and going to work like adults do (soon). It doesn’t merely mean an end to this education phase. It feels like a metamorphosis, like a caterpillar metamorphosis. You exit from being a kid to becoming an adult. As a kid, school has always been my second home. Any school I’ve been to, they all felt like a second home to me, even if I dislike it. Most of my time are spent going to school, studying at home, or having the time on my own to rest, go out, play and have fun as kids do. Probably it’s the same as it is when we become adults. Just that our school becomes the workforce now.
Some of us don’t think we’re all grown up yet. They say there’s a difference between ‘growing up’ and ‘growing old’. I feel I’m growing old, but not the latter. At times, I want to grow up as quickly as possible so that I can fulfill the dream of an independent life. Growing up would mean getting over the drama revolving around one’s teenage life. Doing the things people, as working adults do, in the movies we watch.
I like to think what kind of a 30-year-old will I become in the future. Will I still be here? It’ll be nice to stay in a different country for a couple of years, then to another country; so on and so forth and then return back here again. I will always return back here. One doesn’t simply forsake his/her home. At the age of 30, will I be staring into blank space, thinking about this moment, with a pile of undone work on the office desk? Or will I be an unemployed cooping myself at home – watching teevee and petting kitties in a dark living room, lit by the only sunlight streaming in the gaps between the drawn curtains? Or ideally, will I be already earning enough and doing humanitarian work?
But having that kind of expectations about adulthood scare me so much now. They’re so far away. Those expectations feel as far as it is, ever since I was 14, 16, 18 and even now. Sometimes, I never want to leave home at all. I don’t want to confront my problems. I don’t want to meet new people – at work, social functions for adults (which purpose is to compete to build up one’s networks), meetups with friends and dates which you’re expected to watch your behavior, conversation etiquette and act all grown-up. These things probably do not matter as much when you’re a kid, a teenager. All these while, I could always associate
(or use a good excuse for) my negative emotions, eccentric perspectives and disturbing thoughts with what everyone’s experiencing as part of growing up. They say, “It’s all good.“… until you grow out of that phase but you’re still going through the same things. Do you then consider those as abnormal, fetishes, or mental disorders?