dreams, dreams.

Dreams. Today, I ask  this question, “Do dreams have to be realistic?”. Many of us may have known the answer already; it doesn’t have to be. Do I even have dreams to begin with, I’m already 19 (18 turning 19) and I can’t imagine what I’ll be doing in 10 years, or even 5 years time. I don’t even know whether I do think of what I’ll be doing in the future. An unemployed graduate? Or even not. A loafer who idles her time away rummaging through old stuff to get the sparkly, reminiscing feeling back, could probably be walking down the streets on really late nights sometimes with a few closed ones/alone to savor life outside Home without any form awkward interactions with people, playing and talking to my cat (that I’ll get one in the near future) because some of us knows how pets understand us better than anyone else; personal experience would be – it always makes me feel better talking to my late pet fish in the past.

I quit this negativity and I can always remember a dream I used to have and I guess it’ll always be in my mind. When I was 12, I was told to pen down my dream in this piece of paper, that I got to keep but probably lost it in the mess. I wanted to make a speech, related to saving the planet & the environment, in front of an audience. Now to think about it, it’s ironic because I dread to fulfill this dream, yet I know it’d be a personal breakthrough if I can talk about something I’ve believed in. Because I’m not an outspoken person, thus I said I dread making this speech. ‘Believed’ because now I ain’t anywhere near an earthling doing her own part for the planet. Lots of meat and hot showers – I should minimize that. To talk about it, I’d mean to express my genuine thoughts about it, instead of reading off a speech scripted by an important person. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a crowd as an audience because there’s no reason why they should be listening to it, I guess it would be once I do make a speech of my own to just 1 person. 

Dream when I was 12. As we get older, you find yourself drifting further away from your belief in dreams like this. Maybe it’s just me. Earlier this week, I witness how readily my workmate was able to share about her dreams and it’s like she could get onto fulfilling her dream anytime she wants to. It’s just that at the moment, we’re restricted by things like getting over and done with school. Then, I was asked by the others. I didn’t have anything much to share about, and I only talked about wanting to pursue a different field after I graduate from Polytechnic, reason being- I said I was not motivated and enthusiastic about this one. It was embarrassing, of course, if we were ever to be compared against. I remember rehearsing in the shower what I’ll say if I got into the university interview, asking me about the reason for my choice of the course. Yet, I replied something like that. Later it got me thinking of this ‘dreams’ so I blogged about it.

I have a lot of tardy moments, uncountable of them. They’re a result of my lack of composure. Sometimes, I wish I could just type out/write down my replies every time I’m asked about something, getting plenty of time to think about it. Then you could avoid thinking of how to react and looking at how others react. But it’s not like that. I go on everyday, pondering about what happened on the day before and realizing different things, learnt from them and telling myself ‘I’m gonna be brave and do this when a situation like this strikes again’, but yet, never do.

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