self-indulgence thoughts.

This week, or even for the past few weeks, has been a week of self-indulgence thoughts, mostly the not-so-better thoughts. These thoughts can sort of burn you. It’s easy for anyone to say “stop thinking so much.”, and surely I do want to spill it all out instead of bottling it all up. I’ve had friends who were willing to lend a listening ear and allow me to be their listening ear, which makes me feel comfortable being around them. I’ve had people I work with every other day, who you’d know there’s no way you’ll ever tell them about your most personal problems because they’re just “come-and-go” people.

And some things have changed. Um, my sister went to live with her dad, while I’m here with my Mom. Alot of times I’ve been in the position of the middleman because I’ve been made to choose and make decisions about certain issues concerning myself. It’s tough and sometimes I can’t help but to burst into awfully suffocating tears in the middle of the conversation with one of ’em parties. And then they’ll ask me “why do you keep crying? Crying can’t solve problems.” and obviously I do know that; just that many times, I can’t contain the emotions inside me. At the same time, I would never want them to witness the whole crying-thing either because to them, it’s like I’m trying to gain sympathy or something… and probably escaping from the problems that’ll always be there until I step out and make decision (which I think that’s the case).

Damn, personal experience had me realize that I always feel at my worst when I’m out working. I understand I need to get used to it and get over my insecurities because I’m not gonna be schooling for the rest of my life, which it’d be wonderful and sad at the same time. I wanna be pursuing something else, but we know we don’t get what we want all the time. A month back or so, I saw an advertisement by MOH, featuring the social jobs going the extra mile for people and one of them was ‘Occupational Therapist’. It caught my attention because it’s a noble profession to begin with. I’ve always wanted to be part of this, not just that profession; ever since I was in Secondary School. Always thought there were a few of them, like social workers, doctors, nurses, psychologists and psychiatrists. And I ever thought of wanting to become a psychologist/psychiatrist, but it’s probably too far to think about it now when others can seem to interpret me better than I know myself. Of course I do not wish that it’ll just a temporary phase, just because I’m going thru a tough phase of experiencing working life in the business environment. Again, it takes time to discover myself and I’ll need to think it through after that.


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